I think one of the hardest things for me to realize and overcome has been the split between my life after graduation, and what my life used to be when I was in school. I know that a part of me has been trying to hold on to the school part, and I've been keeping up with Alumni stuff and maintaining my relationship with the school. And the other part of me is always trying to keep in touch with friends from university, the desire to hang out with them, to try and party with them like how I used to when we were all in school together. As much as I care for my friends it's that feeling of dread like you're in a relationship that's reached a dead end. I mean, okay so maybe it's not really that, but it's trying to grapple with the fact that's you're not in with the group anymore that's really given me a beating.

There's a graduation dance that I'm going to tomorrow for my friends who are still in school and tonight I was really asking myself, "Why the fuck ARE you going?" In the beginning I thought it was a brilliant idea-- afterall I had done school for three years with these people it was as if I was going to my real gradball with the people I had wanted to graduate with. But today I just felt really out of it. I guess I had all these ideas in my head like who I was going to go with, and where I'd be getting ready ended up instead with stuff like them not being sure what my plans were and there not being enough room in the car for me.

At work a co-worker said that if all of my friends were still in school and I wasn't, then I definitely was no a part of the gang anymore. I'm not angry with anyone or anything like that. Like shit happens, you know? I understand that people sometimes grow apart, and sometimes friendships fade away but it's just hard to take because there have been so many times in my life where my friends have given me support where my own family hasn't. Subconsciously I must have the expectation that they'll always be there for me and that they'll never forget me and I'm already feeling forgotten. I just know that I probably should focus on my small circle of close friends because they would never let me drift away.