Feel free to take an eyeball or two

You know, I've tried very hard to suppress any ounce of bitterness or bitchiness to 1) try and achieve my freaking new year's resolution and 2) to just keep a healthier frame of mind for myself and for people around me. But what you should also know is how bloody fucking difficult it is when there's a whole shit of retardeness around me that I can't seem to ignore or block out.

I've narrowed down, and what has been obvious since my high school days, is that the majority of my grief has a maternal root cause. If it hasn't been about what I don't have a boyfriend and why so and so in my family does, or whether it's about comparing my lack of an engagement ring to so and so's 1+ carat, I think I've had just about enough. I firmly believe I've been permanently damaged to think that I'm a failure in one tiny part of my life which has been made to seem like the sole purpose of my existence. How bad is it when the only way I can preserve my sanity is when I get to travel for work? I'm just waiting for a chance where I'm at home for more than a week so I can start looking for a fucking condo to buy. Worst case I'll go and rent.

I'm not sure what it's like for other women, but I would rather be happy alone, then to give in an settle for someone who would make me unhappy. I have been able to do so many things, learn and achieve so much in the span of 24 years, why is it that I feel like a failure? Because I have been unlucky in the ways of love, or maybe lack thereof? In this day and age, I don't think it is so easy to find someone. Our generation and the world we live in isn't the same as the one my mom dated or married in. I feel like any interaction that I have with her basically consists of why I don't have a boyfriend, interrogation to see if I'm gay, or to hear about all the other people who are my age and who are already engaged or married.

Is it not possible that now isn't the time for me? Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be alone. But I'm trying to build a successful career, carry on a meaningful and fulfilling existence. If Mr.Right happens to show up I would think of that as a bonus. Having someone tell me over and over (although someone claims that they never do... somehow an incredibly short term memory)that I need to get a move on, settle down and start pumping out the fucking kids. If ever in my life I've felt more down and empty, it's listening to my mother tell me what's wrong with me.

I've come to realize how different I can be with my family, with my work colleagues and my friends. When I'm around the latter, I feel like I can be myself-- the music and art enthusiast, the growing work cynic, someone who can listen to and tell stories and jokes. I can be around people who are at least open to, what it is that makes me tick. What my life passions are. I don't have many of those friends, but shouldn't I have that with my parents at least? Contrary to my parent's belief, I'm not a complete monster, bitch or what have you. I can smile, and laugh and have intelligent conversations with people. Contrary to my parent's belief I'm happy with myself and rather focus on what I'm good at and have control over instead of dwelling on "being single and how I'm going to remedy it". The part that makes me the saddest is that although I may not be close to a lot of people, I would think that I could at least get a break from my parental units. I have to take life as it comes, and not exactly plan and schedule what's going to happen. Not that I could anyway. If I hear any more nagging, questioning or sighs at the disappointment of not being able to snag a husband I swear I'm going to fork my eyes out.